What should I do if my child says they are transgender?

There is no standard approach. Listening, gathering information and seeking professional help when needed are good first steps. There is no rush — most decisions can be made in consultation and with the necessary time.

May parents refuse medical treatment for their child?

For minors, parents have legal authority over medical decisions. For children under 16, parental consent is required for medical treatment.

Where can parents turn for support?

There are Dutch organizations that support parents, both from a supportive and from a critical perspective. A GP or youth psychologist can refer to appropriate help.

Home › Young people › Role of parents

Role of parents

Parents are the first responsible for the well-being of their child — not the school, not TikTok, not a care provider, and not the opinion of the twelve-year-old at some random moment. In an age in which the "affirm-or-lose-your-child" narrative is fired at parents, it is important to state that loving parental doubt is not a form of rejection, but of care. Protecting, observing, weighing things up sensibly — that is not opposition, that is parenthood.

"Affirm or lose your child" is not science, it is pressure

Parents who seek help for a child with gender dysphoria are often presented with a choice that is no choice at all: affirm everything, or you drive the child to suicide. This framing is not scientifically supported and is explicitly rejected by the Cass Review. The available evidence does not support that affirmation prevents suicide. Parents may — must — ask questions, take time, investigate alternatives and set limits.

Watchful waiting: a respectable, tested approach

For decades "watchful waiting" was the standard advice for children with gender dysphoria: be lovingly present, give space, do not push, do not medicalise, and let time do its work. The Steensma study (2013) and other long-term studies show that in the majority of children with gender dysphoria the feelings disappear during or after puberty. Watchful waiting works with that biological reality, not against it.

The affirmative model — immediate new name, pronouns, clothing, eventually blockers and hormones — has supplanted watchful waiting in the past ten years. In Sweden, Finland, Norway, Denmark and the UK the pendulum is swinging back to caution. Parents who want to follow this international line therefore stand in an increasingly respected scientific tradition.

The parent as guardian, not as obstacle

A growing problem in the Netherlands and beyond is that schools, care providers and even general practitioners actively affirm children in a new gender identity without informing the parents — or even deliberately excluding parents. This undermines the family, places a minor in a position of conflict with their own parents, and clashes with the fact that parents are legally and morally responsible for the well-being of the child up to majority. See also School and transgender children.

Parents have the right and the duty to know what is happening to their child — at school, in the consulting room and in treatment. A care provider who structurally works towards the child bypassing parents acts outside their role.

Taking underlying problems seriously

Many young people who present with gender dysphoria have a history of bullying, loneliness, autism spectrum disorder, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, trauma, intensive social media use or sexual boundary violations. "Gender" can then be an explanatory model that the child offers — and that is adopted by the adults around the child — to put a name to all that other pain. Parents who map these underlying vulnerabilities clearly help their child more deeply than all name and pronoun changes together.

Medical decisions and parental authority

In the Netherlands the rule is: for children under 12 years old parents decide. Between 12 and 16 years consent of both child and parents is required. From 16 years onwards the young person decides in principle themselves — although other countries show that 16 years is rather young for irreversible, lifelong-acting decisions. Parents may refuse, delay, ask for a second opinion, look for another clinic and appeal to international research. A care provider who pressures parents to sign "quickly" is not acting in the interest of the child.

Support for parents

Parents of a child with gender dysphoria are in the Netherlands a group that often becomes isolated and silenced. Internationally there are networks of parents who are critical of gender-affirmative care and share their experience (including via SEGM, Genspect, Bayswater Support Group). Peer contact with other parents can help to come out of the guilt and isolation that the current debate produces.

My child says they are transgender. Do I have to affirm that immediately?

May I refuse medical treatment for my child?

What if the school or care providers act behind my back?

Where can parents turn?